12 Steps to Freedom

The first time I was introduced to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was 20-something. I had been living on the street (Denver’s notorious East Colfax Avenue) and someone suggested that I might want to take advantage of a 2-week program available at Fort Logan hospital in southwest Denver. Since I was financially destitute, I thought it a good idea. I do not recall if the person who made the suggestion to me had been through the program himself, but he told me that at the end of the two weeks there was a half-way house I could stay at for thirty days. That sounded like an excellent idea, so I took his advice.  Although I didn’t see myself as a drug addict or alcoholic, I guess I was headed that way, as I answered all the in-take questions satisfactorily enough to qualify for the program.

At the end of the 2-week program I met Susan, the woman to whom I am currently married. She was not in the program, but was the roommate of a girl whom my step-brothers had gone to high school with.  I learned that they were going to a local night club and I was looking for some action, so I met them there. That was the first and last time that Susan was drunk and I was sober (and remained so for the duration of the evening). I ended up spending the night at their apartment and ended up moving in with them instead of going to the half-way house. Eventually, the other girl moved out, and I remained living with Susan. I am not sure why, except to say that I guess both of us had something the other wanted.  After living together for two years, we ended up getting married.

Needless to say, it was a rocky marriage for many years. As my drinking became progressively worse, I did things that most women would not have tolerated. As I progressed into a full-fledged alcoholic, Susan became a full-fledged co-dependent. And so it was for the next ten years.

About the time of my third DUI, I decided it might be a good idea to check into rehab. It was in rehab that I was re-introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. Even after spending 28-days in rehab, I still didn’t see myself as an alcoholic, because I didn’t get drunk every time I drank and I didn’t drink every day. I merely considered myself a heavy drinker who simply made the mistake of driving while intoxicated. But I knew I needed to look good in front of the judge, so after my stay in rehab, I found a local A.A. club and judiciously attended meetings there. By the time my court date rolled around, I had been sober for about three months or so. As a result, the judge commended me for my efforts and was lenient in his sentencing of me.

I was ecstatic! And just to prove to myself that I wasn’t alcoholic, I stuck around that club and attended meetings for two and a half years; and they were a great two years – sort of. You see, in those days I was only ‘dry’, as they say. I wasn’t drinking or smoking pot, but I wasn’t working the program either. I never got a sponsor. I never truly worked the steps. I simply listened to what everyone said, learned all the good things to say in a meeting, and did all the little things they suggested; like sticking around after the meeting to empty ashtrays and to help clean up.  This resulted in my becoming assistant manager of the club and a member of the board. Now I had a new addiction – approval and affirmation. As long as I was a good little monkey, doing and saying everything that was expected and required, everyone liked me and heaped on the praise. I was in pig heaven.

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